Seven

So, life has been weird lately.

I was told on Sunday that I have until Friday to find somewhere else to live. I guess I am just not doing things how mom wants them done, and because I can't find a job at 19 she wants me to go...
I am unsure of where I will go. I have no friends here, so I have no one that I can stay with. Carla said I could stay with her for a bit- but still, I barely even know her, and her kids don't exactly like me. I am unsure. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I wish I was able to get a job, but no one is hiring, and it's frustrating.

Kara is now back online, I really missed talking with her. I feel like she is too good for me however, and I worry that I won't be able to make her happy. She really is an amazing person. I wish I wasn't such a disappointment in general. :\

Things have been going well I think with everyone else as far as my relationship with them goes. Maria and I seem to be back safely in the friend zone, and I am thankful. I wish I was able to stop doubting and asking her questions about it though- I feel like I am self sabotaging our relationship because I am so worried that things for us as friends won't continue.
Sharon is lonely and sad lately too- which is understandable. I wish there was something I could do.

Justin and I are sort of talking again. He is so hard to understand sometimes. I guess eventually most of the people I consider friends come back and talk to me when they have problems, and Justin is no different. He started dating a guy with BPD and Bipolar, and needed advice on how to get said guy to take meds. I am not even sure why it would seem like I would know anything about that anyway- so it was quite odd that he asked me.

Davey has invited me to live with him, but I have a feeling that it wouldn't end well, and it really would suck to be stuck in Denver knowing absolutely no one. He really is a good friend, but he has so many problems and really isn't working on them. I know it's hard to face addiction- but he gives in days after setting his goals. I guess I just care for him and wish he could get shit together. I dunno.

I went to Worlds of Fun last Saturday with Kai, her family, and Charon. He seemed to be doing okay. He's an odd kid. Had fun, but I wish I would have went with someone else as Kai was rather distracted with Charon so I pretty much found myself walking around with my ipod for the majority of the trip as no one was talking with me.

I am worried about what I should do from this point, and where I should go. I am so unsure. I wish that I was able to find somewhere to go. I have thought about Jobcorps again, but I don't believe I could get in so quickly. It's stressing to think about, because I have no idea what to do. I almost just want to ignore it- but I know that won't solve anything.

Ramble ramble, I really didn't say much.

Until next time.

Goat

Hm, so I found this old poem thing that I wrote for one of my classes at CFAHS. It was printed on December 10th, 2008. I thought I would put it here so I don't lose it. It really isn't good, but it is a good reminder of how I was feeling at the time, and I would like to keep it.

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Creating a Catastrophic Mistake takes Two

Word Vomit.

A spew of words heard many times before,

Engaging,

Enraging,

A projectile mess.

Confess, that everything you say is meaningless.

Distressed?

Don't fret,

I'm sure tomorrow that I will forget.

Abominations,

Our words are proclamations

Of everything you've hated.

With all the men you've dated,

and mated,

and me who you've created,

things are only how you've stated,

my ideas are unrelated.

Fated

To fail in a life you've rated

A perfect 10-

In casual conversation with friends-

Who are vain,

Not understanding,

Their visions all but pure-

broken and tainted.

My heart has fainted,

But don't fret,

Because I'm sure tomorrow I'll forget.

Lies.

A world that bleeds,

And cries and cries-

Surely your lies will be my demise-

My downfall-

How I lose it all.

But I am sure that's not what you mean,

Or at least-

Not what you mean to seem.

Irritation,

Aggrivation,

A stinging sensation,

Burning my nerves, too hard to control,

My eyes roll back into my head,

To be alive,

To be dead-

Who said that living had to be so much better?

Instead, I've read,

that this is a normal occurrence.

I'm fine this time,

But I think I can't deal anymore,

At least until a few of these old wounds heal.

And I am sre tomorrow that I'll forget what a prick you've been,

and how you've descended into my life,

time and time again,

and played your puppet games-

telling me that I am not who I am supposed to be,

and surely that I will

burn eternally.

And fret not will I,

and neither should you,

With all my walls removed-

I can surely escape from you.

And I am sure tomorrow that I'll forget,

but fret not because I say-

Tomorrow is tomorrow, and today is today.

Walnut

It has again been quite awhile since I actually wrote an entry.

I found out that Nancy did indeed talk to me as Maria. Kara told me after she found out, and then yesterday, Nancy came clean about it. I hope that we can get over this wall of lies, because I do enjoy talking to everyone up in Wisconsin.

I am unsure of my relationship with Kara...She seems to be avoiding me, and I am not completely sure why :\ I hope that we start talking again soon- as a couple, or just as friends. At this point- I would give up on dating her if it meant she would be more comfortable speaking with me. I really do miss her.

Maria told me that she actually did have some feelings for me. It is a hard thing for me to believe sometimes, especially with how things happened. It doesn't matter though, because she has Nancy now- and I have Kara. I can only hope that things work out for the both of us in our respective relationships.

Daniel has been talking with me much more lately. He acts as if he wants to be my close friend again. I can only hope that this is the truth, and that things do not end up as they were before. I really care about him, and I want to be part of his life, and not feel like I am only his friend when he is going through a tough situation. I dunno though. Only time will tell. I think the ultimate sign will be if he actually introduces me to Phil. If he does- I know he's serious. If it never happens- I know this was just false hope.

I feel like maybe I need to have more of a life, but I can't seem to find any way to have one. :\ it's a rather depressing situation. I wonder if my online friends find me to be pathetic because of this. I really need to try and find something to do so that I don't end up alone when everyone online moves on and forgets me.

I'm sick as fuck. My allergies are killing me, and I wish I felt better. The 106 degree days aren't helping either. I guess until next time- this is all I have to say.