Love

I'm not sure if this will last, but for as long as it does- I will enjoy it.

Zilip

So, I talked to another new person today. Kara. She was very nice, although, I can't help but feel that I depressed her beyond a point that I should have. The conversation was very awkward, to be honest.

I talked to MAD again- I really like him- I find him to be very helpful, and thought provoking. I see why Maria likes him so much. Sharon spoke highly of him as well. Sometimes I wonder if he really is as great with people as he seems, or if he's just overestimating his reach.
I don't really mind either way- I find that he makes me challenge what I think about things, and i haven't met someone like that for some time- So I'm glad.
I sort of want him to open up about himself- as weird as that is. He is very protected. I have a feeling he will though, although, I'm not sure why I have this feeling. Perhaps he wants to reveal himself, and he doesn't know how? Who knows, my speculations are never ending.

Kara thought that Sharon may have been cheating on her boyfriend with me XD Although- Sharon has come on to me before, so I can see why Kara would be worried. Still- I would never- even if I did like her(which, I don't XD)

I didn't talk to Ceres tonight, but yesterday I did. She let me open up about Maria finally, and it as a big relief. I was holding so much in from her that I thought I was going to explode. I just wanted to share what was going on in my life with her.

It's super fucking late- and i'm tired. I'll write more tomorrow, after I go see Nana and David :)

Lost

Okay, so I haven't talked to Maria in the past two days...
She asked Sharon out yesterday, and kissed her.
I wish Sharon wasn't so freaked out about it- it seems very obvious to me that Maria is just looking for love anywhere she can find it. I wish she wouldn't have went after Sharon though, she knew that Sharon had a boyfriend. Sigh. I hope she finds someone...

I think she thinks the fact that she has killed someone bothers me, but for some reason- It makes me see her as more human. I don't think it defines her- and I don't think she's a bad person. She obviously felt terrible about it- the exchange we had before I knew about it is proof enough- as well as the fact she was so terrified about me knowing...

So I forgot that today I told Kai I would go shopping with her. I only got 3 hours of sleep >.>
It was fun though. My feet hurt. I wish I could make them feel better...

Alright, so Ima start doing these writing prompt things- just because sometimes I don't know what to say. Here is the first one-

Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.

Nothing. I've never given away anything that cannot be replaced, I have never had anything that has been worth anything to me like that. Relationships are the most important thing to me- and you can't give those away or lose them. XD

Gosh, that sucked. Perhaps tomorrow's prompt will be better?

Fire

Along with my normal posts, I'm going to start doing these as well.

1. Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.
2. What 5 websites do you visit often, and why?
3. Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it.
4. What music album would be used for a movie about your life?
5. List your bad habits and/or addictions and what you have tried to rid yourself of them.
6. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do if later on you changed your mind?
7. What are your religious beliefs? Have they changed, or have they always stayed the same?
8. When was your last food craving, and what did you crave?
9. Who was your first crush and what made them special?
10. Name your most cherished childhood memory.
11. Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago. What has changed and what has stayed the same since then?
12. What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask?
13. Robert Frost write a poem titled The Road Not Taken. Name a road you’ve always wanted to travel. Where do you hope it takes you, and what might you see on the way?
14. Name one thing you always wanted to do, but haven’t. What has prevented you from doing it?
15. Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be?
16. What was the worst mistake or decision you have ever made in life? What could you have done differently?
17. What song was stuck in your head recently, and what were you doing at the time that made you think of it?
18. Describe 5 things you want to see or do before it’s too late.
19. Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you?
20. Write about your greatest fear.
21. Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people.
22. Describe a time in your life when everything turned out fine, despite the odds.
23. If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve?
24. Write about the last time you spoke to your best friend. What did you talk about?
25. Describe a time you felt alone.
26. Name something you found; what was it and where did you find it?
27. What’s on your calendar for tomorrow?
28. What is the most annoying sound you have ever heard?
29. Describe your first job.
30. What is the one thing you cannot live without?
31. Quote the nicest thing anyone has ever said about you.
32. Are you afraid of the dark? Why or why not?
33. Describe the longest amount of time you have ever been away from home.
34. Write about a recent adventure or travels.
35. Who did you idolize growing up?
36. Name a celebrity or famous person you wish would take you out on a date.
37. Describe your daily routine when you get out of bed in the morning.
38. What was the longest amount of time you have spent waiting on line for something? What was it, and was it worth the wait?
39. Name one thing you have always been good at doing.
40. What is your favorite season, and why?
41. What was the title of the last book you read?
42. List your biggest regrets.
43. Have you ever seen a ghost?
44. Describe your note-taking style and habits.
45. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be?
46. What comes to mind when someone uses the phrase prolonging the magic?
47. Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive?
48. What is your favorite cliché?
49. What are all your thoughts on god?
50. How do rainy days make you feel?
51. What is the most amount of money you have had at one time?
52. Write a celebrity crush list.
53. What is the most amazing thing you have ever seen, heard, or experienced?
54. What effect does music have on you?
55. What did you learn today? What did you learn yesterday?
56. What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time?
57. Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone?
58. Democracy, communism, or socialism? Defend your choice.
59. Does Never Never Land really exist?
60. Where is a great place to get breakfast?
61. List 3 things that went right (or wrong) today.
62. What is the best method of travel, and in what ways have you traveled?
63. If you could tell the world just one thing, what would it be?
64. What were your best and worst subjects in school or college?
65. Describe the most outrageous thing anyone has dared you to do.
66. Ice cream: chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry?
67. What historical events happened the year you were born?
68. Pick up a random object that has special meaning to you and describe it in as much detail as possible.
69. Write about a recent visit to a museum or art gallery.
70. What food items do you consider staples in a well-balanced diet?
71. Describe your feelings in regards to an issue in todays society, and what would be done to fix it.
72. If you had only one wish, what would you wish for?
73. If you could tell the world just one thing, what would you say?
74. Share a dirty little secret about yourself (or someone else).
75. Name a time when you broke a rule or law. Did you get caught, or did you get away with it?
76. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
77. Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing.
78. What is the name of your favorite book, magazine, or publication?
79. Describe your first car.
80. Thunderstorms… Inspiring or scary?

Hopefully it helps me think.

Isle

I don't think that I have ever been so confused about anything in my entire life.
Perhaps this really is love? I'm not sure anymore. Maybe I just feel the way I do because she has feelings for me, and no one has ever felt that way before. Anything I say is just a guess though, so I don't know.

I wish that she understood how I felt, I really wish that I could return her feelings exactly as she has feelings for me, but I am not able to. It isn't from the lack of trying though. Sigh. I guess things will go the way they go. I don't even know what I want to come out of the situation, a relationship? I don't think that it would ever work out, and it would leave things more awkward than they are now. So why can't I get over these feelings? >.> I think Maria was right, I really am hopeless...

I am glad that Sharon told me about what had happened, it made things make so much more sense, the self hate, the feelings that she could never be forgiven. It didn't make all that much sense before, but it does now. I wish I could help her, hold her and let her know that everything will be fine, and that forgiveness is obtainable, from both herself, and from her god. Sigh. Why do I find myself feeling like this? I really care about her, but I don't even know her. What does this say about who I am as a person?

Shon told me that she was interested in me the other day. It was such a shock. We've been friends for almost 7 years, and there has never been any signs that she finds anything about me attractive... At one point I would have said yes. If I was 14 again... But I have no feelings for her whatsoever, although for a time I had some slight ones... I dunno. I think it was more me wishing I was like her back then, not so much any sort of attraction...

I saw Frances the other day, and it was really weird. She's let herself go so downhill- I should have expected it, but I didn't. She was such a mess back then... I guess I was too. But I had to take care of her almost, and I was 4 years younger... It really wasn't a very balanced friendship, yet still, I enjoyed being around her... Maybe this just means that I am attracted to unhealthy relationships? I hope not.

Kai came and kidnapped me, and we spent the day together. I miss spending time with her, but we really don't have anything in common, and I can't stand being at her house because of her sister. I can't deal with her. Maybe she'll start staying at my house more often though.

I've felt really broken the last couple weeks, I broke someone's heart, and broke my own at the same time... I really do think I loved her... I think I still do. It's so hard for me though, because these feelings are really something I haven't ever experienced before. I'm having trouble eating, and I think about her all the time. I sound so creepy >.< But I really care...
Why? Why am I like this? Sigh.

The camping trip was canceled for now, and I'm really sad about that. I was really looking forward to it. But I guess we might go for a hike instead? I'm worried that I would have trouble climbing the stairs, after all- I haven't done anything really physical since I lost the use of my foot. I feel like such a fucking loser for that too. Why am I just sitting around? I really need to learn to use it, but it's so hard... ugh.

Maria's friend is getting a bit too open with me I think, she told me that she got really turned on by talking with me because I remind her of her boyfriend, and that the thought of me while she was pleasuring herself made her have such a great orgasm. Normally I wouldn't mind someone saying these things, if they understand that I am asexual, and I will never have feelings for them, but she has a boyfriend, and it makes it really awkward. She also is Maria's friend, and she knows how much I care about Maria, so it also makes it awkward. At the same time, I think I have problems saying anything because no one has ever said such things to me, and it's so surprising that I don't know what to do... I'll have to work on something to say...

I really do care about Maria... Have I mentioned that yet? I feel so bad that I hurt her... Sigh.

Konan was stoic, calm, and level-headed (much like her partner, Nagato, was). As a child, she was bright, compassionate, and relatively cheerful, in comparison to Yahiko's tough attitude and Nagato's sensitivity. However, the traumatic events since then have led her to become a very serious person.

I think I understand why she likes Konan so much, it reads very much like I think she would be.

"I agree with you. I believe that NTs who are still figuring themselves out have a tendency to shy away from relationships because of the unknown variables involved. They're so focused on foreseeing all of the possible outcomes that they don't allow themselves to actually indulge in the relationship. I also think that less mature NTs are also (forgive me) selfish,unable to give a part of themself away to bond with someone else. They only see what they can gain from the relationship and not what they can give to the other person; they're worried about getting hurt or revealing too much about themself. A mature NT can put away all of their insecurities and appreciate the relationship for what it is without worrying about 'what could happen.'"

My god, this seems so right o.o

Zion

Okay,
so things have gotten weird.

I told Maria what I felt about her,
and she was mad because I lied to her about them,
and now she has lost trust in me.

I told Sharon about what happened,
and she made me feel better about it.
She seems like a good friend,
i'm glad that she ended up messaging me.

So, she told me that she thought I should talk to this guy,
Konan's best friend,
and gave my ID to him.
He seems to think that she has some type of disorder,
like BPD. I'm not sure though.
I kind of want her to be healthy :\
But then I also find out she likes another guy on PerC
he's INFJ
>.> I feel kind of stupid.
Honestly, I should have known.
It's just because she needs support,
not actually because she likes me >.>
No one ever actually likes me.
Sigh.

Anyway,
I'm not sure how things are going to go,
I still want to be her friend,
but I'm not sure if we can be.
I don't know if she still wants to be.
I don't even know what she really feels about me >.>
I feel so lost.

I hope she isn't angry that I've been talking to her friends, but to be fair,
they contacted me,
I didn't contact them...

Who knows.
I'm just waiting to find out where this madness is going to go...

So,
I talked to Maria's friend last night.
She randomly added me.
I wasn't sure what to think at first.
I actually thought that it was Maria, trying to find out what I really felt,
but soon it became obvious that it wasn't her,
because their personalities are too different.

I told her more than I think maybe I should have,
like about Maria having sexual feelings for me,
and me having romantic feelings for Maria...
I'm pretty sure she won't tell her though,
because I think she sees that it would only make things more complicated,
because I can't return Maria's feelings. :\

I hope that I can eventually fix my relationship with Ceres,
I really like talking to her,
she's a good friend.
I know I made a lot of mistakes, but I didn't mean to drive her to the point that I did.
I guess I became almost too comfortable sharing my negative feelings.
I know it bothered her when I brought up Konan,
but I trusted her more than anyone at the time,
and I really thought she could help me,
but I guess she was really uncomfortable with it.
I understand, but I wish it wasn't that way.
At this point I am willing to try and fix what is broken within me,
for the sake of our friendship,
but I'm not sure how she feels about it. :\
She was really angry after all.

It's Father's Day.
I wished my mom a happy Father's Day this morning,
and I got bob a card for being my uncle...
I think we are going to their house for dinner.
Tacos I think.
It'll be nice.
I bet Bev and Andy will be there as well.

That's all.

Eh.

I've made a mistake.
A huge one,
I can't even believe that I did it >.>
I've ruined the best friendship I had at this point.

I deserve a fucking medal.

Aurora

I talked to Konan last night,
and it made me feel really happy.
But she is really closed about herself,
and mostly we focus on me,
which I am sometimes uncomfortable with >.>
She said she was looking forward to talking to me again,
so hopefully she gets more comfortable.

I gave Ceres my # last night in possibly the creepiest way ever XD
I should think about stuff like that before I do it. >.>
But what's done is done,
there is nothing I can do about it XD

I hope I see Kai soon,
I miss her.
I remember when she practically lived with me,
I kind of miss it,
I feel a bit more alone now.
Even though we have nothing in common,
I still feel like she understands me as a person,
and I like that.

Camping trip is in a week,
and I am so fucking excited.
I don't have a tent or sleeping bad though,
I was thinking of going by Darell's house,
and asking him for my sleeping bag,
and one of the tents,
at least just to borrow,
but I'm not sure how he would react to me showing up,
and I don't want things to be awkward...

So,
that's about it :3

Evil

Os,

I kniht I ma gniog ot etirw elil sith yadot. Ti sah neeb a gnol emit ecnis I evah nettirw ekil siht hguoht. Ti si a tib drah.

Ym kcab yllear struh yadot.
I hsiw I dluoc ees Leinad,
I dernow fi sgniht liiw yllaer krow tuo neewteb su...
I epoh os. I od ssim mih.

I kniht I ma ton gniog ot ekat yna niap sdem rof a tib, neve hguoht I ma ni niap. :\
Fi I t'nsaw denrecnoc tuoba gnitteg detcidda I dluow ekat emos won.

I evah stomla nettogrof woh ot etirw ekil siht, I dluow eb das fi I dluoc ton od ti eromyna.

I yllaer od tsurt Serec, I epoh ehs yllaer stsurt em. :\
I ma dalg taht ehs si llits gniklat ot em, ehs saw neve yllaer ecin tuoba taht elbirret cip fo em XD
Os dnik.

I t'nod wonk fi Nanok si gniog ot teg kcab enilno emityna noos, I epoh os, esuac I yllaer od ssim reh. :\ I ma ton neve erus yhw...
Hgis.
Yhw od I leef ekil siht emitemos?
Ew t'ndid neve klat taht hcum... :\
I kiht ehs sah a yllaer doog ytilanosrep, dna I hsiw ehs detsurt em erom.
I wonk ehs dlot em reh tseggib terces, tub ereht si os hcum erom ot a nosrep naht taht...
o.o
Ebyam I ma tsuj egnarts...
Ti dluoc ylisae eb tahw si gniog no...

Os, Serec sah a lanonrep glob sa llew, I ma dnik fo dalg, esuac I saw deirrow taht ehs dluow ekat esneffo ot em gnikam a etavirp eno.

I dluow erahs siht eno htiw reh, tub I dnet ot klat tuoba reh a tol >.>
Ylno esuaceb ew klat a tol hguoht, ton yna rehto nosaer.

llew, taht si ti rof won, I lliw ylbaborp etirw retal.

Naik

Whale

So

I was kind of lonely today,
but all the sudden,
I was just,
happy.

o.o
It's really strange.
I wonder if I really do have rapid cycling manic depression sometimes. >.>
Still, I think it'd be worse if I actually did have it.
The meds didn't help after all anyway.


I feel tons better that I've now told someone that I might not be asexual,
but I feel bad because I think I should have told Konan.
I think she might be avoiding me though.
I have a feeling she saw my picture or something and now feels weird talking to me.
I'm not really sure :\
I just wish we could talk again.
I know she's busy, with school, and work,
and her life though,
so I understand.
Still doesn't change how I feel though.

Feelings are so illogical :\

I'm really worried about Daniel,
I feel kind of a tightness inside me,
I hope he isn't positive,
but if he is,
that's okay,
He'll still be my closest friend,
I'll just be really worried from now on about his health and such...
Sigh.
If Phil ends up being positive, and lied to him,
I'm going to cut that fucker's dick off.
Pisses me off.
I hate people who only think about themselves,
especially in regards to something like this :S

Also, I really fucking need to shave. I look like a bum :|
I'm just being so lazy recently XD I don't think I've shaved my face in like, a week o.o
I guess that says how long I've been vegging out at home >.>

That's about it,
Life is going okay.
Boring,
but okay :)

Vapor

Sigh.

So,
I'm so depressed.
I keep trying to act like I'm not, but it isn't making things better.
Also,
I feel like I really am becoming addicted to the hydrocodone...
I find I'm using it more and more to ignore my feelings...
I just can't handle them anymore.

Slade wants to spend the night-
I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
Like,
Sometimes he just comes over and uses me for the shit a have,
like the Playstation,
and computer.
He was watching porn in my living room last time,
and it made me uncomfortable...
He seems to think it's an okay thing to do around people,
and I don't.
Maybe if we were attracted to each other, but I am definitely not attracted to him in the least bit,
and I'm sure he isn't attracted to me.
I think it's just because he needs somewhere to express his gay feelings.
I wish he'd just get out of the fucking closet, because I don't like only talking about gay things.
I dunno,
we just are so opposite... I really want to make it work though,
because he is sweet sometimes,
but I feel like he doesn't consider anyone's feelings when he does stuff,
he just wants what he wants,
and that's the end of it.
:\
He also keeps pestering me about my sexuality, which is incredibly annoying, because I've told him I don't want to talk about it, still, he thinks there is no way that I am asexual...


So,
I think he might be partially right.
I don't really feel like telling anyone,
but I think that I might not be asexual,
still,
I don't feel comfortable having relations with anyone at this point,
and my sex drive really is almost non-existent.
I think that people feel more comfortable around me when I say I am,
and they should be comfortable,
because I don't have feelings for anyone right now.

Zip

I swear, I took in like 5,000 calories today. >.>
I have been binge eating all day.
Sigh.
I don't even know why, today has been pretty good too.
Fucking weird.
Ugh.
I don't wanna say anything else.

Milk

I'm really confused. :\
So since Davey has gotten out of rehab he's been commenting, texting, and calling me all of the time, but usually I don't have my phone on me, so I reply like, 5-20 after he's called or texted.
When I do, he never wants to talk. Even if I call like, seconds afterward, :| I'm not really sure what it means to be honest...
I feel bad for him though because he's already drinking again, and he's only been out of rehab for a week. :( I wish I still lived in Colorado,
I would be more helpful if I was closer and we could spend time together again.
I never really liked being around him when he drank anyway.
He was much more interesting sober for sure.
Still, I would choose being with him while he was drinking, than not being with him at all.
He wasn't mean or anything, just different.

So I'm pretty sure I'm going to set up my desktop soon,
but that's going to be pretty lame to use.
I think it has like, not even 1gig of ram XD
Also,
it's running Ubuntu,
because it had issues running windows XP
Yeah...
It'll be interesting to say the least.
Maybe I will be able to fix my laptop soon,
or
buy a netbook on the cheap.
I need to do something,
cause this obviously isn't working...

I really want to talk to Ceres or Konan,
I don't care which one,
I like them equally,
but for different reasons.
Still,
Ceres thinks I'm her stalker >.>
I'm not though.
I don't have the attention span for it XD
All kidding aside,
it made me feel uncomfortable for her to feel that way,
because I remember how it felt when Jensen was stalking Daniel and I,
and I don't wish that feeling upon anyone.

Well,
Other than that,
I'm feeling pretty awesome today XD

Our camping trip is getting closer,
I think it's the 25th?
Something like that. :)
I'm not going to let anyone ruin it for me.

Azure

So Today I had a breakdown.
I feel like such a little girl sometimes. >.>
The day started off awesome, I woke up early,
helped Tammy get dinner done,
spent time with Kai,
and then Charon came,
and I think I really like him as a friend,
even though he's Kai's friend,
I think I might want to be his friend too >.>
Still, he's only 16...
Also,
I made him take the MBTI test,
and he scored INTJ
I think I have an attraction to that type as friends.

Anyway,
so it was kind of awkward, because Charon drove 4 hours to get there,
and Kai was all smacking faces with Saturn, and it was really obvious
that Charon was uncomfortable with it.
I'm sure it's because he likes her.
Although,
I get a bisexual vibe from him as well,
Kai thinks I'm crazy,
but my gaydar isn't wrong very often.

So things were going good.
But it started to go downhill when mom told me I couldn't use her
laptop anymore. I felt really ill.
I mean, I know it's hers, but she told me I could use it as much as I
wanted, and even gave me my own login...
She says I need to make real friends,
but I don't think she understands how hard that is to actually do...

But I'm on it right now XD It's because I'm getting Kai's Ipad ready.
Yeah, Tim got her an Ipad.
>.>
I'm a bit sad.
Because Keith got a laptop,
and Kai got an Ipad,
and I got nothing.
I think it's because I didn't graduate though,
which is completely understandable,
but I feel really left out anyway...
I did get my GED,
and I had a good reason for dropping out,
life became extremely complicated senior year...
Sigh.
Still,
I know I shouldn't feel this way,
but I do. >.>

So after that I started feeling really hopeless, because I don't have a computer anymore,
and mom won't let me use hers anymore,
and I know I'm not getting one as a gift <.<
Then my back was hurting so badly on top of it all,
and my mom was telling me how I needed to be more proactive for the 1000th time
of the day, and it was so overwhelming
and I went outside and laid under the stars in the grass,
and I cried,
and cried,
and cried,
and when they asked,
I told them my back was hurting so badly,
and I wasn't lying,
but I wasn't telling the truth either.

Then I came home and took some hydrocodone,
I feel like I might be becoming addicted,
but I really do feel pain.
It helps my physical pain,
and my emotional,
but I'm really worried I'm becoming dependent. >.>

Palm

So,
I'm writing yet another entry.
I know,
I am obsessing.

I don't have anyone to talk to write now,
I feel pretty lonely.
I tried talking to Kai,
but she's watching a movie.
Also,
I guess maybe I just need to write, even if I'm not really saying anything.

Konan hasn't been on in a few days,
she's busy with her new job.
I miss talking to her :\
I really do only feel friendship with her,
but it's a strong friendship,
even though we've just met...

Maybe it's because what we talked about?
I told her I had already told people,
and dealt with the feelings,
but I lied.
She was the first person I told.
Ceres was the second to ever know,
and then I sorta admitted it on the forum,
but I still feel bad for lying to her. :S
What else could I have done though?
I didn't want her to feel like it was something I was still dealing with,
and plus, she has many problems of her own,
and it wouldn't be right for me to put my issues on her.

I think maybe I'm annoying Ceres,
I'm trying not to,
It's something I'm going to have to work at,
she's incredibly busy though,
but I think sometimes she talks to me even when she doesn't feel like she has time to.
:\

I'm kind of sad,
Keith got a graduation gift from uncle Tim,
Kailha is getting a graduation gift from uncle Tim tomorrow,
but I never got one.
I guess it doesn't matter, I should just be happy for them,
but I feel like I deserve the same sort of treatment.
Although, that one time when I was 7 I did get a bookstore giftcard,
and they didn't.
Although,
it wasn't because he didn't buy them one,
it was because Karen kept theirs....
So
I dunno....

I wish I could remember all the things that I've blocked out.
It's pretty irritating.
Maybe I don't want to know though...
It might be a good thing that I don't remember....


I hope when I see Daniel I'm not a disappointment to him,
I don't want him to judge me >.>
Of course,
I need to not have these thoughts,
or I'm going to be all awkward when I see him again.
To be fair I did run into him at the museum,
and things went okay,
although slightly awkward with my whole extended family standing there,
and him with that guy he liked...
Yeah,
I think it'll be fine,
as long as I don't act stupid. :)

Erm...
I feel like I still want to write,
but honestly, I don't think I have anything else to say.
Plus, everything I've said has already been said before...

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weiofhuwenfjeoifhnweiofhdnjewoifhnjweofihwenjiofhwenjiofhwenjfiowehnfionoeifoiheofihnweoif
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I still don't feel better,
but it always seems like it'll cheer me up before I do it.

Ezekiel

So,
I've managed to creep another person out. o.o
All I did was ask her what she did for a living,
and why she was called no-one girl o.o
Appearantly that made her uncomfortable because I didn't know her
well enough to ask?

>.>
I thought it was one of those types of questions that was acceptable.
I guess I was wrong?
<.<

Tomorrow is Kai's graduation party,
We get to meet Charon for the first time too,
she's really excited,
and I'm excited for her.
I really hope he shows up,
for her sake.

I think I might hang out with Slade soon,
but I'm worried about it to be honest...
:S
He can be kind of a dick sometimes,
like,
he says somethings that are totally uncalled for,
and at the same time,
he's stuck in this loop about lying about who he is.
It's just not a situation I feel comfortable in.
The part where he judges others,
but doesn't want to be judged.
But still- He is sweet, and I don't have many other people to hang out with,
so maybe I'll have to make due with the friends I have.

Frances wants to start hanging out again as well-
But when I think of our friendship,
I remember a lot of hard times between us.
She was really unstable.
I remember Daniel calling me so paniced,
because she wouldn't get up from laying in the middle of the road,
and she begged me to do something,
and she was out of it,
and I kept talking to her,
for hours,
and finally she went home,
but that's just not something that I want to have to deal with again.

I'll give it a chance
but I'm not going to stick around if drugs and alcohol still rule her life,
because I can't cope with how she gets.
Still,
I loved her,
maybe that's why it hurt me so much?

I'm not sure :S

Zebra

Perhaps I should just let it go.
She obviously is starting to think I'm using her.
I'm not trying to do so. >.>

I do like to talk to her a lot, but mostly because she's the only person that ever seems to be online,
and because she's interesting, and makes me feel normal.

Maybe I should just not talk to her for a few days?
>.>
I think I'm becoming a problem.
Gr.


It isn't as if she's the only person I talk to- it's just that she's the only person online at this time of day.
I need to quit.
She's obviously sending me the signal to back off,
if I don't heed it- things will become bad.

why do I do this?

Porkchop

I wish I was better at conversation.
I always feel like i'm either not saying enough,
or that I am completely dominating.
>.> I wish I didn't do it. I try not to.
Sigh.

The people I talk to- I really care about them
I know that sometimes I talk about myself too much,
but everything they say sticks with me.
I try and understand them, who they are, what they want out of life,
everything. I think maybe that makes me weird.
I'm not sure anymore.

It's really hard for me to reply to someones story sometimes.
I feel for them, and I want to say something so badly, but when I start to type,
the words don't come.
So I tell a story about myself, hoping that they understand what it means for me to share it with them.
I'm trying to say that I understand, that I feel for them, that I know what it's like.
But it's never taken that way >.>
Obviously it's a stupid way to talk with people.
Maybe I need to look up online how to have a conversation <.<

I think I feel too attached to people sometimes.
I dunno, I just get this feeling.
No matter who it is I'm talking to,
I just want to be close to them,
understand who they are,
what their life was like,
what they like to do,
anything.
Perhaps this makes me incredibly weird. :\

I'm trying to do art again, but the feelings of before have left me,
I have no creative energy. What comes out is not only terribly done,
but depressing because I used to be able to show how I felt.

I feel pretty empty.

I wish I could make this blog private, but I can't figure out how >.>
I'm going to work on it.
People don't need to know how depressingly awkward I am.
I wish I didn't even know.

I'm pretty blocked when it comes to music too, I just sit at the keyboard, but no matter what I try to play, it all sounds so fake, and I can't make anything that sounds beautiful anymore.
I wish I could figure out what's going on...
My writing has also been affected, as well as my dreams.
All of my creative outlets are closing down, and this tension is building inside of me, and I'm not sure what to do anymore...

I really just want to scream.

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FEUIHFEWIHFEWUIFHUIHWENFUHEGWUIFHEWUIFA
WIFUENIOFJEW()FNVUIOHOIHJWSODVHIWEASHARE

I feel better now.
A little bit.
Not really.
:\