I don't think that I have ever been so confused about anything in my entire life.
Perhaps this really is love? I'm not sure anymore. Maybe I just feel the way I do because she has feelings for me, and no one has ever felt that way before. Anything I say is just a guess though, so I don't know.
I wish that she understood how I felt, I really wish that I could return her feelings exactly as she has feelings for me, but I am not able to. It isn't from the lack of trying though. Sigh. I guess things will go the way they go. I don't even know what I want to come out of the situation, a relationship? I don't think that it would ever work out, and it would leave things more awkward than they are now. So why can't I get over these feelings? >.> I think Maria was right, I really am hopeless...
I am glad that Sharon told me about what had happened, it made things make so much more sense, the self hate, the feelings that she could never be forgiven. It didn't make all that much sense before, but it does now. I wish I could help her, hold her and let her know that everything will be fine, and that forgiveness is obtainable, from both herself, and from her god. Sigh. Why do I find myself feeling like this? I really care about her, but I don't even know her. What does this say about who I am as a person?
Shon told me that she was interested in me the other day. It was such a shock. We've been friends for almost 7 years, and there has never been any signs that she finds anything about me attractive... At one point I would have said yes. If I was 14 again... But I have no feelings for her whatsoever, although for a time I had some slight ones... I dunno. I think it was more me wishing I was like her back then, not so much any sort of attraction...
I saw Frances the other day, and it was really weird. She's let herself go so downhill- I should have expected it, but I didn't. She was such a mess back then... I guess I was too. But I had to take care of her almost, and I was 4 years younger... It really wasn't a very balanced friendship, yet still, I enjoyed being around her... Maybe this just means that I am attracted to unhealthy relationships? I hope not.
Kai came and kidnapped me, and we spent the day together. I miss spending time with her, but we really don't have anything in common, and I can't stand being at her house because of her sister. I can't deal with her. Maybe she'll start staying at my house more often though.
I've felt really broken the last couple weeks, I broke someone's heart, and broke my own at the same time... I really do think I loved her... I think I still do. It's so hard for me though, because these feelings are really something I haven't ever experienced before. I'm having trouble eating, and I think about her all the time. I sound so creepy >.< But I really care...
Why? Why am I like this? Sigh.
The camping trip was canceled for now, and I'm really sad about that. I was really looking forward to it. But I guess we might go for a hike instead? I'm worried that I would have trouble climbing the stairs, after all- I haven't done anything really physical since I lost the use of my foot. I feel like such a fucking loser for that too. Why am I just sitting around? I really need to learn to use it, but it's so hard... ugh.
Maria's friend is getting a bit too open with me I think, she told me that she got really turned on by talking with me because I remind her of her boyfriend, and that the thought of me while she was pleasuring herself made her have such a great orgasm. Normally I wouldn't mind someone saying these things, if they understand that I am asexual, and I will never have feelings for them, but she has a boyfriend, and it makes it really awkward. She also is Maria's friend, and she knows how much I care about Maria, so it also makes it awkward. At the same time, I think I have problems saying anything because no one has ever said such things to me, and it's so surprising that I don't know what to do... I'll have to work on something to say...
I really do care about Maria... Have I mentioned that yet? I feel so bad that I hurt her... Sigh.
