Ocre

The silence screams guilt. Am I wrong to think this?

Nation

I feel like I am driving everyone away.
I guess I knew I would eventually, but it doesn't take away from the fact that it's happening now...
I hope that I can change how I am acting, so that I can still be friends with everyone. I know I don't need to talk with them everyday, and I feel when I do it drives them up the wall. I guess since they are online, I just feel like,"why not?". -.-

I'm really confused about Kara. She confessed her feelings for me over and over, knowing that I had feelings for Maria. I did have feelings for her as well, but my feelings for Maria were much stronger... When things went downhill with Maria, I did tell Kara about how I felt, and she asked if we could be in a relationship. I said yes. Kara is an amazing person, and I really care about her a lot. Still, it seems lately she has been avoiding me... I am not sure what I did, or what can be done. :\ I hope things work out though. If she has decided she doesn't want to be in a relationship, that's fine, I would be more than happy to still be her friend, I just want to know. >.> I hate not knowing.

I texted MAD today and asked how everyone was doing. I never got a reply. :\ This is the first time I have ever messaged him first, and I am unsure of if it was okay or not. It's just- I have no idea how Maria's therapy is going, and then Kara not talking to me...Also, Sharon has been avoiding me too it seems, and I want to make sure she is okay as well...

So, I forgot about doing those prompts, and I think I will start again. Since they are so short though, I am going to do a few at a time, since my answers are never all that long.

1. What 5 websites do you visit often, and why?
   Hm, I guess it would probably be- Personality Cafe, Facebook, Gmail, Blogger and Youtube. Personality Cafe is seriously the best site I've ever been on... I have learned a lot of stuff, met a lot of great people, and when I am bored there is a lot of things to do. I get on Facebook just to see how friends are doing- Gmail to talk with people over email, and other things. I get on Blogger to blog obviously, and usually I get on Youtube to look up music.
   
2. Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it.
   Totally useless? Hm, well I have an inflatable little yellow guy off of Despicable me lol. I got it from my mom when she bought the movie. She bought that version specifically so she could give it to me. I think it was sweet, but I dunno what to do with it.
   
3. What music album would be used for a movie about your life?
   I think maybe Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park... It's the CD I have most related to in my life, and one that I have had the longest.
   
4. List your bad habits and/or addictions and what you have tried to rid yourself of them.
   I think I am addicted to people. :\ I know that sounds strange, but like, I need to have those connections to be able to function. When I don't- It's like, I can't get out of bed, I can't think, I'm completely hopeless. Other than that, I think I have a developing hydrocodone addiction, but I really do need the pills for my back so it's kind of gr... :\
   
5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and why?
   I think I would change how I perceive myself. I want to be able to accept my flaws and move forward, instead of using them as a barrier between me and the world. The problem is- I can't seem to figure out how to, and every time I let my insecurities get the best of me, and it ruins a lot of my relationships.
   

Organic

I find it insane how much things have changed since I last wrote... Who would have thought that things would have ended up this way?
Maria told me that she was manipulating me, and that she never had feelings for me. It was a bit of a blow. She was committed to a mental hospital for evaluation by her friends after she told me she was going to kill herself. They diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder. I hope she can work through her problems- I think she is an amazing person deep inside- but I think she has been hurt so much- that she cannot function normally anymore. I will always be here for her as a friend though.
So, I started dating Kara. She is an amazing girl. She sees so much in me, and I am slightly frightened that she will do the same thing to me as Maria... I know it's a stupid thought, but I guess I just don't want her to hurt me the way that Maria did... I wish I could know if her intentions were pure. I don't think she would like me IRL however...I am not sure. I guess for now I will trust that her feelings are true. I do hope that they are. She seems like such a deep and gentle person... And she is so cute as well.

Maria is now dating a girl named Nancy. When I talked to Nancy the first time- she came out to me as a lesbian, and told me that she had feelings for Maria. Maria had also mentioned that she had feelings for Nancy, but said she did not know what orientation Nancy was, and didn't want to ruin their friendship by saying her feelings...
Well, after Nancy told me what she did- she told Maria the next morning to read our conversation so that she could know about her feelings. They are dating now. It is really cute. I am glad that they are together, even though I admit I still do have slight feelings for Maria...
I hope that I can continue to talk with both of them, and I hope that they end up having a long and healthy relationship.

I have not talked to Sharon in over a week. I am saddened by this. When Katherine told Sharon what Rob had said, she did not believe her- and if Rob did not tell her what was going on- that would mean that I did...I would have never...I feel really bad for her, and I hope that her and Rob can work things out, and if they cannot, I hope she can lead a happy life without him. I just wish she would get online so I could talk to her about it... I feel like there is so much up in the air. But I guess I just have to wait, and if she wants to speak with me- she will. There is nothing that I can do at this point.

Katherine is very emotional at this time in her life. She is experiencing emotions that she has not since the death of her brother... I am worried about her to be honest. I want to be there for her, but I think sometimes she takes my comfort as something more... I don't have any feelings for her though, and I feel weird about it when I am in a relationship with Kara. Still- she does not try and make the situation awkward, and she tries and not put her feelings on me- so I guess it is okay. I just hope that she can learn to be happy. I hope that there is something I can do to help her in that.

I have not heard from MAD in awhile- I guess it might be a good sign. I want to get to know him better- but I think that perhaps he just wants to keep as acquaintances and only talk about the situations dealing with Kara and Maria... I am not sure. I guess only time will tell on this. Either way- he seems like a good guy. He believes that Maria has some type of special connection, and was actually able to talk with me while in the hospital... I am not sure on this... It could be possible, but it seems rather unbelievable. I don't think there is any way for me to actually know if she can do this or not- all I can do is trust that she is telling the truth.

I am a bit confused on a lot of things, I hope that eventually life becomes more clear for me. I want to be a happy and well adjusted person. I can only try my hardest though.

Love

I'm not sure if this will last, but for as long as it does- I will enjoy it.

Zilip

So, I talked to another new person today. Kara. She was very nice, although, I can't help but feel that I depressed her beyond a point that I should have. The conversation was very awkward, to be honest.

I talked to MAD again- I really like him- I find him to be very helpful, and thought provoking. I see why Maria likes him so much. Sharon spoke highly of him as well. Sometimes I wonder if he really is as great with people as he seems, or if he's just overestimating his reach.
I don't really mind either way- I find that he makes me challenge what I think about things, and i haven't met someone like that for some time- So I'm glad.
I sort of want him to open up about himself- as weird as that is. He is very protected. I have a feeling he will though, although, I'm not sure why I have this feeling. Perhaps he wants to reveal himself, and he doesn't know how? Who knows, my speculations are never ending.

Kara thought that Sharon may have been cheating on her boyfriend with me XD Although- Sharon has come on to me before, so I can see why Kara would be worried. Still- I would never- even if I did like her(which, I don't XD)

I didn't talk to Ceres tonight, but yesterday I did. She let me open up about Maria finally, and it as a big relief. I was holding so much in from her that I thought I was going to explode. I just wanted to share what was going on in my life with her.

It's super fucking late- and i'm tired. I'll write more tomorrow, after I go see Nana and David :)

Lost

Okay, so I haven't talked to Maria in the past two days...
She asked Sharon out yesterday, and kissed her.
I wish Sharon wasn't so freaked out about it- it seems very obvious to me that Maria is just looking for love anywhere she can find it. I wish she wouldn't have went after Sharon though, she knew that Sharon had a boyfriend. Sigh. I hope she finds someone...

I think she thinks the fact that she has killed someone bothers me, but for some reason- It makes me see her as more human. I don't think it defines her- and I don't think she's a bad person. She obviously felt terrible about it- the exchange we had before I knew about it is proof enough- as well as the fact she was so terrified about me knowing...

So I forgot that today I told Kai I would go shopping with her. I only got 3 hours of sleep >.>
It was fun though. My feet hurt. I wish I could make them feel better...

Alright, so Ima start doing these writing prompt things- just because sometimes I don't know what to say. Here is the first one-

Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.

Nothing. I've never given away anything that cannot be replaced, I have never had anything that has been worth anything to me like that. Relationships are the most important thing to me- and you can't give those away or lose them. XD

Gosh, that sucked. Perhaps tomorrow's prompt will be better?

Fire

Along with my normal posts, I'm going to start doing these as well.

1. Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.
2. What 5 websites do you visit often, and why?
3. Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it.
4. What music album would be used for a movie about your life?
5. List your bad habits and/or addictions and what you have tried to rid yourself of them.
6. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do if later on you changed your mind?
7. What are your religious beliefs? Have they changed, or have they always stayed the same?
8. When was your last food craving, and what did you crave?
9. Who was your first crush and what made them special?
10. Name your most cherished childhood memory.
11. Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago. What has changed and what has stayed the same since then?
12. What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask?
13. Robert Frost write a poem titled The Road Not Taken. Name a road you’ve always wanted to travel. Where do you hope it takes you, and what might you see on the way?
14. Name one thing you always wanted to do, but haven’t. What has prevented you from doing it?
15. Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be?
16. What was the worst mistake or decision you have ever made in life? What could you have done differently?
17. What song was stuck in your head recently, and what were you doing at the time that made you think of it?
18. Describe 5 things you want to see or do before it’s too late.
19. Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you?
20. Write about your greatest fear.
21. Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people.
22. Describe a time in your life when everything turned out fine, despite the odds.
23. If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve?
24. Write about the last time you spoke to your best friend. What did you talk about?
25. Describe a time you felt alone.
26. Name something you found; what was it and where did you find it?
27. What’s on your calendar for tomorrow?
28. What is the most annoying sound you have ever heard?
29. Describe your first job.
30. What is the one thing you cannot live without?
31. Quote the nicest thing anyone has ever said about you.
32. Are you afraid of the dark? Why or why not?
33. Describe the longest amount of time you have ever been away from home.
34. Write about a recent adventure or travels.
35. Who did you idolize growing up?
36. Name a celebrity or famous person you wish would take you out on a date.
37. Describe your daily routine when you get out of bed in the morning.
38. What was the longest amount of time you have spent waiting on line for something? What was it, and was it worth the wait?
39. Name one thing you have always been good at doing.
40. What is your favorite season, and why?
41. What was the title of the last book you read?
42. List your biggest regrets.
43. Have you ever seen a ghost?
44. Describe your note-taking style and habits.
45. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be?
46. What comes to mind when someone uses the phrase prolonging the magic?
47. Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive?
48. What is your favorite cliché?
49. What are all your thoughts on god?
50. How do rainy days make you feel?
51. What is the most amount of money you have had at one time?
52. Write a celebrity crush list.
53. What is the most amazing thing you have ever seen, heard, or experienced?
54. What effect does music have on you?
55. What did you learn today? What did you learn yesterday?
56. What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time?
57. Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone?
58. Democracy, communism, or socialism? Defend your choice.
59. Does Never Never Land really exist?
60. Where is a great place to get breakfast?
61. List 3 things that went right (or wrong) today.
62. What is the best method of travel, and in what ways have you traveled?
63. If you could tell the world just one thing, what would it be?
64. What were your best and worst subjects in school or college?
65. Describe the most outrageous thing anyone has dared you to do.
66. Ice cream: chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry?
67. What historical events happened the year you were born?
68. Pick up a random object that has special meaning to you and describe it in as much detail as possible.
69. Write about a recent visit to a museum or art gallery.
70. What food items do you consider staples in a well-balanced diet?
71. Describe your feelings in regards to an issue in todays society, and what would be done to fix it.
72. If you had only one wish, what would you wish for?
73. If you could tell the world just one thing, what would you say?
74. Share a dirty little secret about yourself (or someone else).
75. Name a time when you broke a rule or law. Did you get caught, or did you get away with it?
76. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
77. Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing.
78. What is the name of your favorite book, magazine, or publication?
79. Describe your first car.
80. Thunderstorms… Inspiring or scary?

Hopefully it helps me think.